


Witch Week

by misura



Category: In Plain Sight
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Gen, Witches, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-26 03:03:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12547392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: "Did you know Albuquerque actually has its own coven? Five bucks a month and you get their newsletter, plus an exclusive scented candle four times a year, as well as an invitation to attend the most important rituals, such as the Spring Equinox.""Listen to you, going all Harry Potter on me."





	Witch Week

**Author's Note:**

  * For [akamarykate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/akamarykate/gifts).



_Monday_

"You're kidding me."

"Nope. Says so right here. Practicing witch."

"Oh, good. So she's not an expert yet."

"That joke never gets old."

"Back off, will you? I haven't had my morning coffee yet."

"I'm sorry, but given that we're in the same car, there's only so far I can back away. Would it help if I talked to you in a soft and soothing voice?"

"That depends. Help with what?"

"Never mind. You want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"Does it matter? We both know you're going to say 'no', anyway."

"True. So. We've gone and caught ourselves a witch. A witch witness. What, she's testifying against an illegal broom manufacturer? Someone selling magical potions to underage customers?"

"Nope. Just a good old-fashioned murder. With a gun, even."

"Well, that's just disappointing."

"Truly, there is no magic in the world anymore."

"Was there ever?"

"In view of your lack of coffee, I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may get you pissed off at me, and then what will we do for the rest of the ride?"

"Keep quiet and contemplate our sins, hopes and dreams?"

"Exactly. And who wants that, when you can have a fun, engaging conversation instead?"

 

_Tuesday_

"Guess you can take the witch out of Wisconsin, but you can't take the - wait, that's not right."

" 'Good things come in small packages'? What kind of crap is that? What's next, 'don't judge a book by its cover'? 'Better a good neighbor than a distant friend'? 'Don't forget your gun when you leave the house in the morning'?"

"Sage words, one and all."

"I think the word you're looking for is 'superfluous'."

"Well, they do both start with an S, so if you are operating under the assumption that I am a total idiot."

"Not a total one. Just, oh, I don't know, fifty, sixty percent of one?"

"Such flattery so early on the day. You must want something."

"Got another S-word for you right here."

"Language, please."

"What are you talking about? I meant 'suspicious'."

"Oh. Sorry. My bad."

"Man, your mind's just permanently in the gutter, isn't it?"

"Yup. That is definitely me. Back home, in the place where I grew up, they all used to call me Mr Gutter Mouth."

"That doesn't surprise me at all."

"Really? I mean, given that I just made that up on the spot and everything, I'd have assumed it to be at least a little bit surprising. I mean, you're my partner. You probably know more about my childhood than I do."

"Sorry. Whenever you start talking about your childhood experiences, I just zone right out."

"That's kind of hurtful. I talk about my childhood experiences?"

"Only when you get really, really drunk."

"Oh good. You had me worried there for a moment. In that case, serves you right for trying to pump me for information while my guard's down."

"Excuse me?"

"Poor choice of words? Leaving something to be desired in the visual department?"

"You get chatty when you're drunk and somehow, it's my fault?"

"I didn't say that."

"Listen, pal, when I pump someone for information, I pump them good enough to spill. Everything. Until I've squeezed out the very last drop."

"You're making this weird."

"Good. Now shut up and drive."

 

_Wednesday_

"Did you know Albuquerque actually has its own coven? Five bucks a month and you get their newsletter, plus an exclusive scented candle four times a year, as well as an invitation to attend the most important rituals, such as the Spring Equinox."

"Listen to you, going all Harry Potter on me."

"I figure it's mostly, you know, a social thing. With naked dancing."

"Yes. I can see why that would sound attractive to you. Is there a point to this?"

"You really think there's naked dancing?"

"Shy?"

"Well, I'd want to, you know, practice. Anyway, my point is, she'd like a cat, so I figured we might go and get her one."

"Should we pick up a broom at the same time?"

"Naw. She's a modern witch. Modern witches use vacuum cleaners."

"Really."

"Or so I assume. You don't suppose that maybe that part just happens in the stories and that they can't actually fly? I mean, that would just be disappointing. Realistic, and in keeping with the laws of gravity, but disappointing."

"Tell you what, I give you five bucks and you ask those nice old ladies from the Albuquerque coven."

"Hm. On the left, five dollars. On the right, the risk of being turned into a frog. Tough choice."

"Hey, anyone turns you into a frog, I'll fix it."

"While I appreciate the thought, traditionally, it requires a kiss to break a spell of transformation."

"So? I'll get one of them to do it. I ask nicely, I'm sure they'll see reason."

"Ah. So less of a 'true love's kiss' and more of a 'well, there's this crazy woman holding a gun to my head' kiss."

"What are you implying?"

"Nothing. Glad to know you've got my back, is all."

 

_Thursday_

"Well. You can't say we weren't warned."

"Excuse me? How do you go from 'good things come in small packages' to 'yeah, so you will accidentally acquire a baby - good luck with that'?"

"Would you have preferred to acquire it on purpose?"

"And another thing: what's so good about this, huh? It's smelly, it's noisy - I don't see the good side."

"C'mon, it's a new human life, innocent and precious, brought into this cold, uncaring world."

"Full of cold, uncaring people like me?"

"You're not cold. You're just ... complicated. You know, rough on the outside, but then, on the inside you're - "

"Even rougher?"

"Exactly. You're a good mother figure. You know, protective. In days of old, you'd be the one to stand watch by the cave opening while the rest of the tribe'd be out gathering plants and flowers and berries and stuff."

"The wusses."

"You could say they were just, you know, smart."

"Smart enough not to annoy me by sticking around and telling me how to do my job."

"See? Ten seconds ago, you were all 'baby, what baby?' and now, already, it's your job. You're bonding. Mother's instinct."

"Nope, I'm pretty sure that's you."

"And what if it is? Men can't have mother's instincts? That's sexist."

"Huh. I'd have thought it was simple biology."

"Bah."

"Anyway, I got a plan. You take care of that, I go look into this murder case."

"What murder case?"

"The one I'm really hoping Albuquerque PD is going to call us about."

"Oh, so now hoping one of your witnesses gets involved in a murder case is part of your job, too?"

"Any moment now."

"Pretty sure you're not psychic. Psychotic maybe, but, you know, completely different kettle of fish."

"Aww. You know you love me anyway."

"Against my better judgment, I would like to note."

"So noted. Now, be a dear and take the baby."

"Yes, dear. You just make sure dinner's on the table when I get home."

"In your dreams."

"Oh well. It was a fun fantasy while it lasted."

 

_Friday_

"Did you seriously just put a love potion in my coffee?"

"Are you experiencing a sudden and inexplicable attraction?"

"Does a sudden and very explicable urge to kill you count?"

"No."

"Then no."

"Then no."

"Wait, what?"

"Then no, I did not just put a love potion in your coffee."

"Ugh. I really hope our next witness is going to be nice and normal. A criminal, fine, as long as he's nice and normal."

"Yeah. Lots of nice people who turn to a life of crime. Well, the good news is, according to the file, he's not a witch, wizard, warlock or whathaveyou."

"Does he think he's an alien?"

"How'd you guess? Well, never mind. Up and at 'em."


End file.
